My Sweet Baby, Zachary

I'm one of those people who needs to get things out so that so that I can process and work through them.  My heart is aching so badly, I know I need to start the process. 

On Saturday, November 3rd at 5:46 pm, our sweet Zachary passed away.  There are no words to describe the pain and anguish I felt as he passed from this life to the next. 

From the moment I read about the agency looking for a family for a special needs baby, I knew that baby was meant to be part of our lives.  In the back of my mind, something told me that there would be many challenges that would come with this beautiful baby, along with immense joy!  In the days and weeks that would follow, there would be many hard days.  Days when we waited anxiously after surgery, days when we had many appointments to try to fit in, but through it all we had peace.

Zachary was an easy baby.  He wasn't fussy, he wasn't colicky, he loved to be held and cuddled.  Most of the time I would cuddle him in my arms until he fell asleep and then I would lay him down.  He was such a little snuggle bug.

I replay Friday over and over in my mind constantly.  I had been looking forward to that day and was so excited when I woke up!  We would be going into the agency for our last post placement visit and after that we would be meeting with our birth mother and her parents.  I was so excited for them to see him.  It would be the first time since the day he was born and he had changed so much from that day! I knew they were anxious and I could only imagine the anticipation they must be feeling as well. 

Lots of pictures were taken during the hour we visited.  Zachary was happy and didn't mind being passed around.  It was his nap time, so I prayed that he would do ok. At one point in our visit, Zachary smiled, not once but twice at his birth mother. Because of the angle I was sitting, I couldn't see it.  He had never smiled until that moment.  I had a feeling he was going to smile that day when he saw her.  In fact, I had told Sabrina earlier, how perfect it would be if he did!!!  I will be forever thankful that she was able to see him smile!

We left the office and headed home.  We got there about 1:30, which was feeding time, so I fed him and then put him in the front pack. Finally at about 3:45, I went upstairs and laid him on my bed.  All the kids would be getting off the bus at 4, and I wanted to be able to help them unload their backpacks and help them get a snack before Zachary would need to eat again at 4:30.  After I laid him down, I went in and made his milk so that it would be ready for him in a few minutes. 

At 4:30, I went back upstairs to start his milk.  But when I saw his face, sheer terror swept over me.  He was blue and freezing cold.  I scooped him into my arms and ran, sobbing and screaming for Scott.  I will be forever thankful that my husband works from home.  He grabbed him from me and ran downstairs.  He called 911 while he started CPR.  This past summer as part of his training as a Boy Scout leader, he had to take a CPR class, which also included infant CPR.

He kept it going as we waited for the emergency crew to arrive. He tells me it was only 2 or 3 minutes (we live just around the corner from the fire station) but it seemed like forever!!!  They came in and within minutes, the floor was covered in gear and men (and one woman).  After several minutes, his heart started beating.  He was still unresponsive but we were so thankful for a heartbeat.

The rest of the night is a blur.  I rode in the ambulance to the hospital.  Scott would bring the car behind us.  They transferred us from our hospital to the Pediatric Hospital in Boise (where he was born).  Doctors would work on him until after 2 am, when they finally said they had done what they could and they would be back in the morning.

They cooled his body temperature to Hypothermia temperature, in hopes of keeping the swelling down and allowing his brain to return to normal.  After 24 hours, they would begin the very slow process of bringing his body temperature back to normal.  During the warming process, they hoped they would see some sort of neurological activity to let us know that he was in there.  They saw nothing.

The Doctor told us it was time to remove him from life support and just hold him.  We didn't know how long we would have with him before he stopped breathing.  Turned out to be just short of two hours.  He stopped breathing  peacefully and then he was gone. 

My heart felt like it was wrenched out of my body.  I wanted to scoop him up and take him home.  It had to be a nightmare, this wasn't really happening.

Earlier when I was headed to the hospital in the ambulance, I had called Sabrina.  She could barely understand what I was saying but she and Sam threw some clothes in the car and started driving.  They arrived just after 1:30 in the morning.  Zachary had a very special bond with Sabrina.  There was no way she wouldn't have come. 

As we held our precious angel in our arms for the last time, all of our hopes and dreams for him disappeared.  He would miss his first Christmas, taking his first steps, first day of school, playing basketball with Levi (Levi had informed us many times that he would be Zach's personal coach and make sure he learned all the skills necessary to be a 'good ball player'), playing football with Isaiah (he talked constantly to Zachary about this and was so excited to play catch), there would be no first date, no wondering where he would go to college, no holding him close and drying his tears, no hearing about his hopes and dreams.......

I think about that day constantly and wonder why I didn't hold him just a little bit longer??  Why did he stop breathing?  Was he scared? Did he wonder where I was?  These questions will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.  I pray for peace. I pray that in his heart he knew he was loved and adored. I pray that he will know that he touched the lives of countless people, that there are people out there that have chosen to be better because they knew him. 

I love you, Zachary Scott.  You have changed my life forever.  You taught me things about myself and others that I will never forget.  You were a joy to parent and I will be forever thankful to your beautiful birth mother, for choosing us to be your family.  I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father, who will keep you in his care until we see you again.

**I wrote this for me. I needed to get this all out, in written form.  It helps me process.  I'm sorry if it's a jumbled mess or if something doesn't really 'sound right'......I suspect over the next few days, weeks, months I will continue to post memories or thoughts about our sweet baby, so please bear with me......thank you to so many for the thoughts and prayers on our family's behalf.