Another Day Shopping.....

As I was walking through Wal-Mart today, my phone rang.  It was Zachary's birth Grandmother ( I like to call her, his first Grandma).  It caught me off guard, but I was thrilled to hear her voice. 

We talked for a few minutes.  She shared some very personal things with me, things that brought me to tears.  She is an amazing woman.  I felt a connection with her the minute I met her back in August (the day Zach was born). 

From the moment Zachary passed away, I have had an over-whelming feeling of failure, failure as a Mother.  Why couldn't I have kept him safe?  Isn't that my job as a mother, to keep my children safe and protected?  Why didn't I hold him a little longer that day? 

All the trust that complete strangers put in me to raise their child and I failed.  It's a feeling that comes back to me over and over.  Losing a child you give birth to has got to be hard enough, losing an adopted child is all of that plus the guilt you feel as an adoptive parent that you let another family down.  Knowing that we had no warning or any signs that there was a problem helps the tiniest bit but nonetheless, the feelings of failure rise up over and over.

The past week has been so hard.  I keep thinking that it should get easier as time goes by but I guess I'm not at that point yet......

Never in my life have I felt such strong emotions.  My heart hurts.  My chest feels like it has a load of bricks sitting on top.  Sometimes my breathing feels so ragged that it hurts to breath. 

Isaiah asked me what Jesus does with Zachary.  I told him that I'm sure he holds him and snuggles him. I told him that maybe he even sings him songs.  He asked what songs?  I told him the first song that came to mind, It's All About Your Heart.  As I started to sing it to him (because he doesn't know what it's called), I couldn't even get past the first line before breaking down.  Yeah, it's been a rough week........

Maybe part of the problem is we sent Sabrina back to BYU on Monday.  She had moved home for the month and to be honest, when the two of us are together, there are a lot of laughs.  She got me through some of the hardest days with laughter.  She probably doesn't even know but she was a breath of fresh air for the past three weeks.  But as much as I would love to have her home, she needed to be around young adults her age, plus she was still paying for her housing contract so we figured she might as well be using it!

She will be back in 3 weeks for Christmas....whew!

Thank you for calling me today, Kay.  Your words touched my heart.  Yet another way Zachary touched our lives.....bringing two families together that would have never otherwise met.  We have the utmost love and respect for Zachary's first family.  They will always have a special place in our hearts.  We love each of you.